Hi! Thanks for coming to the open house. Please help yourself to the hummus and veggie tray. I hope you found the place okay. I keep petitioning the city to pave a road out to the house but they complain about workers getting shot with arrows blah blah blah. I blame the unions.
Anyhoo, as you can see it's a fine fortress. The main living area has been recently rehabbed with a bright, spacious interior.
The warm coloring helps to belay the terrifying-- um, the beautiful untouched wilderness outside.
Let's head downstairs.
The estate comes with a fully mature wheat field and ample supplies.
All it takes is a few hours of back breaking labor each day to maintain. But it's worth it, after all you don't want it going fallow and your husband leaving you for that slut downtown. How was I supposed to know he wanted kids! I just don't understand why men can't-- yes these light fixtures are all original to the property.
One of the other perks to the estate is a mining lease that is operable by the owner. As you can see there are several rich veins being currently explored.
Oh that green thing? No it's nothing. No, come on, let's go back up stairs and I'll show you the view from the reflection room. Okay, okay fine. They're the downstairs neighbors. They're a bit crazy. I will admit upfront, yes, they do have loud parties but, hey, I haven't had to call the cops on them for noise yet. And they rarely come knocking looking for sugar or gelatin or anything. You will have your privacy.
Oh hey there, buddy.
Yeah we're great. Just taking around some more prospective buyers. Yep, I have been showing it a lot lately. Well it's a buyers market, recession and all. Okay, great seeing you too!
Yeah they're a lot of fun, I guess. Breed like fucking rabbits though. I can never keep track of who I'm talking too.
If you like company you'll be happy to hear that the house even comes with man's best friend.
He just sort of wandered in one day. I've tried to take him for walks but he really seems to like that one spot. I-- I wouldn't try to move him unless you want a bite taken out of your arm.
Other animals like me more though. Some.. a bit too much.
Though I am the primary owner I have rented it out with the understanding that I'd pay for any improvements tenants make to the property. Unfortunately I think I have a different definition of 'improvement' that some of my tenants.
Try not to think of it as a giant screaming portal to hell in your basement and more as convenient access to a reasonably secure highway! That's how my lawyer, psychiatrist, and satanic ex-tenant told me to look at it anyhow.
Yes, just outside those walls is an endless sea of lava and giant fire breathing ghosts. But, hey, there's more farming in hell!
I have a green thumb, what can I say?
So what do you think? We can have this thing in escrow by the end of the week. No, wait, slow down, stop running. It's night now, come back! Your screams are only drawing them closer!
Ah well. Maybe I should put out a meat & cheese tray for tomorrow.