Sunday, January 15, 2012

For Sale By Owner

Hi! Thanks for coming to the open house. Please help yourself to the hummus and veggie tray. I hope you found the place okay. I keep petitioning the city to pave a road out to the house but they complain about workers getting shot with arrows blah blah blah. I blame the unions.

Anyhoo, as you can see it's a fine fortress. The main living area has been recently rehabbed with a bright, spacious interior.

The warm coloring helps to belay the terrifying-- um, the beautiful untouched wilderness outside.

Let's head downstairs.

The estate comes with a fully mature wheat field and ample supplies.

All it takes is a few hours of back breaking labor each day to maintain. But it's worth it, after all you don't want it going fallow and your husband leaving you for that slut downtown. How was I supposed to know he wanted kids! I just don't understand why men can't-- yes these light fixtures are all original to the property.

One of the other perks to the estate is a mining lease that is operable by the owner. As you can see there are several rich veins being currently explored.

Oh that green thing? No it's nothing. No, come on, let's go back up stairs and I'll show you the view from the reflection room. Okay, okay fine. They're the downstairs neighbors. They're a bit crazy. I will admit upfront, yes, they do have loud parties but, hey, I haven't had to call the cops on them for noise yet. And they rarely come knocking looking for sugar or gelatin or anything. You will have your privacy.

Oh hey there, buddy.

Yeah we're great. Just taking around some more prospective buyers. Yep, I have been showing it a lot lately. Well it's a buyers market, recession and all. Okay, great seeing you too!

Yeah they're a lot of fun, I guess. Breed like fucking rabbits though. I can never keep track of who I'm talking too.

If you like company you'll be happy to hear that the house even comes with man's best friend.

He just sort of wandered in one day. I've tried to take him for walks but he really seems to like that one spot. I-- I wouldn't try to move him unless you want a bite taken out of your arm.

Other animals like me more though. Some.. a bit too much.

Though I am the primary owner I have rented it out with the understanding that I'd pay for any improvements tenants make to the property. Unfortunately I think I have a different definition of 'improvement' that some of my tenants.

Try not to think of it as a giant screaming portal to hell in your basement and more as convenient access to a reasonably secure highway! That's how my lawyer, psychiatrist, and satanic ex-tenant told me to look at it anyhow.

Yes, just outside those walls is an endless sea of lava and giant fire breathing ghosts. But, hey, there's more farming in hell!

I have a green thumb, what can I say?

So what do you think? We can have this thing in escrow by the end of the week. No, wait, slow down, stop running. It's night now, come back! Your screams are only drawing them closer!

Ah well. Maybe I should put out a meat & cheese tray for tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I am the Bat Pt. 3 The modestly impressive conclusion.

Day 3

Get a hold of yourself, Batman! Your head isn’t on straight! Pull it together! Are you so weak and flabby you’ll let one little thing like massive life failure unhinge your very mind?!

 Batman has always considered dusk the second best time to “Get Real.”

That’s right, the second best time. Do you know why? Because bats are nocturnal. Bats find their way in the darkness. Bats home in on asses to be kicked in the middle of the night!

Reality Peak

The kicking of asses never felt so good. Days meld together as I lay down my sweet brand of justice on these evildoers! Feet in faces, swords and arrows piercing flesh and bone like never was allowed back home! The night is filled with action, the days replete with inspiration and preparation! I will make my foes know me! I shall strike fear into their… well, I assume they have hearts… when they remember me! They shall look into the skies and cower in fear! The few places they have to hide can be theirs, for I fly above them, a shot of pure righteousness! For I am law, I am justice, and I am all that is right.



After all my work! After all my toil! I have finally achieved what I have set out to do! You won’t find them in the darkest corners, or even the deepest caves! They run for the hills and for their lives, whichever the cowards find more convenient! Some say “cowards” is too harsh a term! They may be right… They may be… If I were they, you wouldn’t find me stopping here in The Bat country! I’d have the wisdom to slink off at my first opportunity, too! If there’s one thing these creeps fear most, it’s something solid! Something true! More than an idea! Yes sir! This time, they’ve met their match, and I'm not going to let them forget it!


As long as I am here, no sack of bones, rotten flesh, silk, or gunpowder will be safe from my JUSTICE!!!! I stand upon the mountain ranges of this land and I call down to the evils of this world: I am THE BAT!

I am the Bat Pt. 2: Bats in the Belfry





i desperately flee outside looking for anything i might recognize but nothing looks familiar until… until…




at every twist and turn i am faced by all manner of Robins…

 Robins to be.


 ...who never were.

Robins who will never be, again.


No reason to let all those tasty Robins go to waste!

Don't move, Commissioner! Let me come to you!

To be continued in Part 3.

I am the Bat Pt. 1

From high above, I watch. Nothing escapes me. I am the protector. I am justice. I am THE BAT.

 Swear to me!

Day 1 While assisting that spit-curled, pretty-boy Superman to battle some schmuck with an impossible to pronounce name, I wound up here, on the front lawn of what appears to be a house in an alternate dimension. While I am not a fan of finding myself in a strange new land with few leads to follow, I am a fan of the previous owner’s attitude to ne’er do-wells.

That's right, don't even give 'em an opening!

It’s all too rare to find common citizens taking a stand of their own, securing their loved ones and themselves. It sure makes my job a lot easier, any way.

After entering the house and making myself a cocktail at the main floor wet bar (if I’m gonna be stuck here, I might as well be stuck and relaxed, right?), I investigate the various rooms of the… house? I gotta say, as a billionaire playboy, crime-fighting, straitjacket escaping, handsome-man, I’ve seen a lot of houses. In fact, my house IS a lot of houses, ground up and reconstituted to be the world’s biggest and most expensive house, but I’ve never seen a house like this. So many supplies! So much preparation! So many places to put giant pennies! I’m in hog heaven!
All my smiles get turned upside down as soon as I get myself geared up and ready to get to the bottom of things. First, I hear some kind of wet slapping noise as I enter the sub-basement/soon-to-be Bat Cave. I’m wondering to myself “Jeez, I’m gonna have to get this place checked for leaks,” but then I see what the source is.

Now, I don’t know about you, but most of the time when splotchy, slappy, green things start flip-flopping their way at The Bat, I gotta reach for some kind of pharmaceutical or weed killer to get business taken care of. According to some sign, these things are some sicko’s pets, or livestock, or crops; I ain’t into agriculture much. All the same, these damned things keep jumpin at me like a dog in heat! So I do the only thing I know how to do: Distract the monsters and make them fall into a giant hole. WORKS EVERY TIME!

 Easy as one...
Posing for a second while whispering “I am The Bat.” Classic.

 There’s a sign around here that makes mention of an abandoned mineshaft. Sounds like a good place to bust up some old squatting miners or the ghosts of abusive foremen. Either way, I ought to sleep soundly in the morning! Batman out!