I am the Bat Pt. 1

From high above, I watch. Nothing escapes me. I am the protector. I am justice. I am THE BAT.

 Swear to me!

Day 1 While assisting that spit-curled, pretty-boy Superman to battle some schmuck with an impossible to pronounce name, I wound up here, on the front lawn of what appears to be a house in an alternate dimension. While I am not a fan of finding myself in a strange new land with few leads to follow, I am a fan of the previous owner’s attitude to ne’er do-wells.

That's right, don't even give 'em an opening!

It’s all too rare to find common citizens taking a stand of their own, securing their loved ones and themselves. It sure makes my job a lot easier, any way.

After entering the house and making myself a cocktail at the main floor wet bar (if I’m gonna be stuck here, I might as well be stuck and relaxed, right?), I investigate the various rooms of the… house? I gotta say, as a billionaire playboy, crime-fighting, straitjacket escaping, handsome-man, I’ve seen a lot of houses. In fact, my house IS a lot of houses, ground up and reconstituted to be the world’s biggest and most expensive house, but I’ve never seen a house like this. So many supplies! So much preparation! So many places to put giant pennies! I’m in hog heaven!

All my smiles get turned upside down as soon as I get myself geared up and ready to get to the bottom of things. First, I hear some kind of wet slapping noise as I enter the sub-basement/soon-to-be Bat Cave. I’m wondering to myself “Jeez, I’m gonna have to get this place checked for leaks,” but then I see what the source is.

Now, I don’t know about you, but most of the time when splotchy, slappy, green things start flip-flopping their way at The Bat, I gotta reach for some kind of pharmaceutical or weed killer to get business taken care of. According to some sign, these things are some sicko’s pets, or livestock, or crops; I ain’t into agriculture much. All the same, these damned things keep jumpin at me like a dog in heat! So I do the only thing I know how to do: Distract the monsters and make them fall into a giant hole. WORKS EVERY TIME!

 Easy as one...

 two...

 three!

 

Posing for a second while whispering “I am The Bat.” Classic.

 There’s a sign around here that makes mention of an abandoned mineshaft. Sounds like a good place to bust up some old squatting miners or the ghosts of abusive foremen. Either way, I ought to sleep soundly in the morning! Batman out!

Back for Christmas: I never said I was a hero

Okay, checked the books and they say I just have to find a portal to the End. And that I can only activate it with Ender eyes. 

Luckily, I found a couple down below. The folks here might need them but they'll just have to find their own; Christmas is on the line here. 


Apparently, all I have to do is throw them up and they'll lead me to a nearby stronghold, within which I'll find a portal to the End. 

Well, the eyes say there's a stronghold down there. Sadly, I'm not a digger enough to find it under all this water. I guess I'll have to hope there's another one somewhere. Maybe I can take that crazy bugger's portal out somewhere and try to find another one. 

This seems sufficiently BFE. Let's see what I can find. 


The eyes say that there's a stronghold down there. 

So I guess I'll set up a little camp here while I'm looking. 

Found it! I'm coming Christmas!

Didn't expect to find a library down here.... 

Did expect to find a portal chamber....

I guess now all I have to do is activate it. Then jump through. 

Fun. 

Okay. There we go. Am I ready for this? Sure. I mean, yeah! I've been trained by the best. I have everything I need. I even made a couple maps to this place in case someone needs to come looking for me. Not that anybody is even left to come look for me. Christmas is all I had left. Well I'm not going to mess things up this time. I'm going to jump through that portal, find Tra'Han, probably have to kill an Ender Dragon to free his mind, make him tell me where Christmas is, then take her in my arms, and tell her that I love her. Then somehow make it back from the end. 

Okay, I'm not one to complain about my training but it is kind of weird that there's no mention of how to get back from the End. In any of these books. No matter. I mean this Tra'Han guy can probably get us back. Once his mind is set straight. Right? And he'll owe me one. Right? 

One way to find out, I guess.... I just jump through this portal and kick some serious ass. Yeah. Yeah! Jump through and kick some serious ASS!! 

•••

Or get trapped in an End prison. 

Fuck. 

Back for Christmas: What happened here?

I was able to find Tra'Han's library. 

His journal makes it pretty clear that he's gone insane. It's a little worrying that there's no mention of Christmas in here. It's fully worrying that all the signs here point to Ender Dragon. I guess getting your mind tangled in the Ender Dragon's trap is what you get for letting it wonder the cosmos like that. 

Actually, I've only ever heard of this before. Honestly, I never thought I'd have to worry about an Ender Dragon. I knew monsters were active on Woot but I never thought that there'd be Enders here. But the evidence is pretty clear: Case 1, Case 2, Case 3, Case 4. I guess I should have caught some of that the last time I was here. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Now Christmas is caught up in all of this insanity. And this Tra'Han guy sounds more like bad news the more I find out. 

Still, I'm getting a little ahead of myself. I haven't even found any signs of Christmas here. And if she's not actually here, I'm just going to leave this mess for someone else to clean up. I mean, they never prepared me for the End. I don't even know what's out there. I barely remember how to get there. 

Oh crap, this is Christmas's book. 

It's her favorite. She never goes anywhere without it. But there's no other sign of her. Whatever you did to her, Tra'Han, I'll return to you A MILLION-FOLD! If even one small bit of harm has come to her... I'd never be able to forgive myself. 

I think my task here is clear. 

It's obvious that Tra'Han's mind was taken by the Ender Dragon. I have no choice but to get to the End, slay the dragon, find Tra'Han, and make him tell me what happened to Christmas. Time to dust off the old training books and find out how I find the End. 

Find the End. I must be out of my mind.... 

Back for Christmas: The security guard returns!

Well, I'm back. 

Man I hate this place. Monster worlds suck. But I have to put all that behind me now.
Christmas is in trouble. 




And I have to save her.




It's good to see so many improvements made to the security of the place since I was here last, though. 

Still, none of that matters now. I have to find Christmas, I know she's in trouble. All I got was this letter under my door a few days back:

I have no idea who this Tra'Han guy is but I'm betting he's bad news. Why was I such an idiot?! Why didn't I just stay with her; oh Christmas, I'm so sorry that I let you down. 

But it's too late for that. 

Now she's out here in Woot somewhere. And I have to find her. 


First things first:

1. Make a list of what to do
2. Gather intel on Tra'Han
3. Find signs of Christmas
4. Set things right!

HellCo: Inferno One Can Beat Our Prices (Part Three of Three)

"Mr. Johnson! Beelzebob from HellCo calling, and may I say, it is an utter delight to talk to you today?


Mr. Johnson, there is no reason whatsoever to employ snideness with me. I am simply happy that we will be able to resolve your HellCo account today, to what I am sure will be our mutual satisfaction.


Who is the "our" in that sentence? You wound me, Mr. Johnson. "Mr. Johnson." How formal I sound, when by this point the two of us are practically intimates! May I call you Ira, Mr. Johnson? Mr. J? No? And the wounding continues.


You'll recall, Mr. Johnson, that I needed to discuss your account with my supervisor, Eligos, Duke of Hell, to figure out WHY the HellCo Brand Reanimated Friendship Operative assigned to your case went... off protocol... by building so many free HellCo Brand Conveniencers on your property (I mean, at the very least, he should have invoiced for them.) At first, we simply assumed that it was due to gross negligence or breach of contract on your part, Mr. Johnson. After all, it's not without precedent, is it?


But Mr. E happened to mention this little problem to his golfing partner, Baalberith, HellCo Chief Archivist, and he managed to dig up a rather amusing factoid about the Reanimated Friendship Vessel in question! Apparently, this particular sack of skin and blood was instrumental in alerting the Head Office to the suitability of your nauseating dimension for HellCo operations in the first place! And once the Tra'Han/Mitchells Debacle had cleared the board for us, we were easily able to move in and begin the aggressive marketization of human resources you've come to know and love, Mr. Johnson. Isn't that a heart-warming tale?


But, more relevant to the matter at hand, the corpse in question also, by either sheer bizarre coincidence, or as a practical joke by those hilarious boys down in the Necromancy Department, had a strong pre-existing attachment to the land your home is built on! I know, Mr. Johnson, I was speechless too, when Mr. Baalberith told me about it from one of his many mouths. And, as we both know, a Reanimated Friendship Vessel with a strong attachment to a particular area can, in certain rare cases, wrest control away from the Possessor Class operative controlling it and act of its own volition. I'm sure you can see where this is going, Mr. Johnson. It's clear as crystal! Or a piece of glass. Or air, Mr. Johnson. AIR.


The RFV decided to "spruce up" your home, free of charge, out of some sentimental attachment to the place. It did so by installing a wide variety of high quality HellCo Brand Conveniencers, turning your home into a perfect model of state-of-the-pit technology. Normally, we'd track the Reanimated Friendship Vessel's family down and force them to pay for all this, but, given how many years its been since he was actually alive, and how intense the disruptions to the human population since then have been, we've decided on a more... merciful... strategy.


Pay attention, Mr. Johnson. This is the part we think you'll like. I've grown quite fond of you, Mr. Johnson. For a disgusting pile of bones and tissue, you have a sympathetic quality that stirs deep and horrible emotions deep within my carapace. So, I convinced the higher ups to give you... A Deal.



You see, Ira (I don't care what you say, Mr. Johnson, I'm Bob, you're Ira, and, as of now, we're intimate), HellCo would like to use you. Your home, that is! As the setting for our latest series of HellCo Catalogs! The rogue RFV (now disassembled, of course) did such a good job on the Conveniencers he illegally installed, we're going to let you keep them all - and all for the meager cost of a few weeks of letting HellCo Brand Photography Slugs slither through your house, taking pictures. Considering that the cost for all those improvements would normally be 4,212 souls... I think you'll agree it's a steal, Ira.


Now, is your house slug-accessible, Ira, my intimate friend? No? Well, it will be. Don't worry, we'll just add the cost to your bill.


Well, of course you still have a bill, Ira. The fact that you're getting the Conveniencers for free doesn't mean you don't need to pay for having your lawn mowed. And the Drinks Mixer. And the Drinks Mixer Drink Mix. And the interest on the Drinks Mixer Drink Mix. Be reasonable, Ira.


But don't worry, my dear, sweet, intimate friend. The total bill is really quite small. 3 souls. That's not so bad, is it? You can find 3 measly little souls for your dear buddy Bob and his friendly corporation, right? Turn to your family, Ira. They'll support you, if they know what'll happen to you if you don't pay your debts. Children can be such a comfort at times like this... Because Hell knows they'll sign anything you tell them to, without even bothering to read it.


And Ira? Thank you for choosing HellCo for all your lawncare needs. As we always say: "You had a choice. Now, let us help you live with it."


Goodbye, Mr. Johnson."

-Click-

(The End)