A New Adventure?

“Hey, Excrement! I’m back!” I always call him Excrement. He loves it. Jeez, it’s cold in here. “Hey! Excr-“

Hmm. He left me a present! “R…Ru…” Oh whatever. He knows I can’t read. So smug. Let’s see what he – OH GOOD A BOOK I LOVE BOOKS. What a jerk.

Why is it so cold in here?!?! “Exasmus! Why’s the fire out!?”

Ah well. Dude’s gotta do what a dude’s gotta do. I’m sure he won’t mind me using his gift to, I don’t know, “KEEP MYSELF ALIVE!”

That’s better. Nice and toasty. Nice and toasty gets the roasty! That’s what my dad always said. No idea what it meant.

Man, I’m hungry. Starving. I wonder what Ol’ Excrement’s got in his chests.

Nothing! Not a single morsel. You think a guy’d be more considerate, seeing as I just spent the last year on the road to get here from Woot. Stupid Woot. Stupid monsters. I -

You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s it. I’m out. I’m leaving. As soon as that thing is gone, I’m GONE. Looks like Stupid Old Poopface has a nice cushy bed, though. Might as well take a nap. Wait this whole situation out. Nice and easy…

“WAUGH!” Okay, apparently sleep isn’t happening. Stupid Woot. And I can still hear that… thing outside.

“Exasmus! I’m going through your things! If you disapprove, say so!”

Found exactly what I need. Time to tunnel out of here. Apprenticeship be damned! I’m going back to school!

Hmm. I think I went too far.

This is weird. I’ll just turn around and -

Yep! Definitely too far! Time to go!

“This has been great, Exasmy! I’ve really learned a lot!” What a joke. I just don’t want to die.

Getting lighter!

What the-

How did I…

I think I’m gonna throw up.

Tra’Han’s Folly: I’m Sorry.

She wasn’t in hell.

And I barely got away. This place has sapped my powers. I need to think…

 

Of course. The stronghold. The ender dragon. HIM.

I must face him. I must get Christmas back. I must…

Empty caverns. No! It was here!

She’s not here.

 

But she was.

 

I can… feel… his presence. The Ender Dragon. He was here. I see it now.

But she is gone. The stronghold is gone. I sent her into peril…

For what? To save myself. To rid myself of this curse. She tried to help, and I…

I took advantage.

I run through the empty caverns, shouting her name – screaming with every fiber of my being…

But there is nothing. Nothing here, where there was something. The road through hell was traveled for no reason. Everything is lost. And Grahm? The idiot. He came here looking for her. He came…

I have brought about terrible things. Why? Why was I dragged to this place? Why am I here?

I give up. I give in. I will stop fighting.

Just after I…

There. Just in case. Just in case I am wrong. In case she comes back. In case…

I am Tra’Han. I see the truth in everything. I see…

I see nothing.

Nothing but the wind in the grass. Calling my name. So soft. So soft.

Tra’Han’s Folly: I tried.

Trapped!

I awake to find myself trapped in a block of snow and ice. Frozen solid. Fighting the tendrils of panic curling around my heart, I quickly begin to recite the incantations of light and warmth, hoping I am not too late – and not quite knowing what to expect when the ice melts. How far beneath the surface am I? Have the frozen golems covered the world with a deep drift of snow?

It appears they have not. A wave of euphoria flows through my thawing body. Perhaps I have not destroyed this world after all. Perhaps I can still save…

Am image flashed across my mind. Who…?

The security guard! That fool, Grahm. But that means… Christmas! What… what have I done?

The memories come flooding back… Christmas trying to help.. I… and I… I sent her to hell. I sent her to hell to find the meaning behind this place. To find the source of its power over me.

Why didn’t I go with her? I am Tra’Han. I see truth in everything.

But I can’t see this.

I have to find her.

Rain. Fitting. I load up on supplies, not sure of what I will face, and head off to find the entrance.

Interesting. It seems my spells have had some strange effects on the local wildlife. If they were even my spells. More and more I suspect I am simply a catalyst, that someone – something – is channeling its power through me.

Never before have I felt so… dismayed. So disconnected from the essence of things.

I am Tra’Han. I fear I am lost.

And what of Grahm, the Security Guard? Some echo of him flits around me, shouting across the void of time. But what is he saying? Was he here? Did he walk by me, trapped in my icy prison?

I hope he didn’t do anything stupid.

Raining still. What misery.

Ah, here is the place. The boundary between this world, and the one below is weakest here, with one spilling into the other…

I utter the words of transportation. Suddenly, the world around me tilts, and drops away. I find myself on the rails of Hell.

But what will I meet on this road? Will I find Christmas?

 

Or will I find her body?

Tra’Han’s Folly: Goodbye.

I’m sorry.

I tried.

Goodbye.

Kevin insisted I make this version of the shooting script, too. Blame him.

Meanwhile, in the Scranton neighborhood of Woot...

For Sale By Owner

Hi! Thanks for coming to the open house. Please help yourself to the hummus and veggie tray. I hope you found the place okay. I keep petitioning the city to pave a road out to the house but they complain about workers getting shot with arrows blah blah blah. I blame the unions.

Anyhoo, as you can see it's a fine fortress. The main living area has been recently rehabbed with a bright, spacious interior.

The warm coloring helps to belay the terrifying-- um, the beautiful untouched wilderness outside.

Let's head downstairs.

The estate comes with a fully mature wheat field and ample supplies.

All it takes is a few hours of back breaking labor each day to maintain. But it's worth it, after all you don't want it going fallow and your husband leaving you for that slut downtown. How was I supposed to know he wanted kids! I just don't understand why men can't-- yes these light fixtures are all original to the property.

One of the other perks to the estate is a mining lease that is operable by the owner. As you can see there are several rich veins being currently explored.

Oh that green thing? No it's nothing. No, come on, let's go back up stairs and I'll show you the view from the reflection room. Okay, okay fine. They're the downstairs neighbors. They're a bit crazy. I will admit upfront, yes, they do have loud parties but, hey, I haven't had to call the cops on them for noise yet. And they rarely come knocking looking for sugar or gelatin or anything. You will have your privacy.

Oh hey there, buddy.

Yeah we're great. Just taking around some more prospective buyers. Yep, I have been showing it a lot lately. Well it's a buyers market, recession and all. Okay, great seeing you too!

Yeah they're a lot of fun, I guess. Breed like fucking rabbits though. I can never keep track of who I'm talking too.

If you like company you'll be happy to hear that the house even comes with man's best friend.

He just sort of wandered in one day. I've tried to take him for walks but he really seems to like that one spot. I-- I wouldn't try to move him unless you want a bite taken out of your arm.

Other animals like me more though. Some.. a bit too much.


Though I am the primary owner I have rented it out with the understanding that I'd pay for any improvements tenants make to the property. Unfortunately I think I have a different definition of 'improvement' that some of my tenants.

Try not to think of it as a giant screaming portal to hell in your basement and more as convenient access to a reasonably secure highway! That's how my lawyer, psychiatrist, and satanic ex-tenant told me to look at it anyhow.

Yes, just outside those walls is an endless sea of lava and giant fire breathing ghosts. But, hey, there's more farming in hell!

I have a green thumb, what can I say?

So what do you think? We can have this thing in escrow by the end of the week. No, wait, slow down, stop running. It's night now, come back! Your screams are only drawing them closer!

Ah well. Maybe I should put out a meat & cheese tray for tomorrow.